let’s talk about sex [after] baby!

“Sometimes when we allow ourselves to be a different version of us, as long as we take pride, we can evolve into something even better than before.” -Jessie

There are many dynamics to a relationship remaining a successful one. Respect and honesty are big ones. Having similar senses of humor is always nice. Taking one on one time away from the hustle and bustle is a must. Affection, intimacy, sex or whatever you want to call it is also an absolute component for most relationships. When it comes to having a baby, there is a lot going on. Going from no kids to having a baby is a big change for both mom and dad, and the relationship completely changes. It can be an awesome change or a really hard one. Regardless, change is inevitable.

For one, you have much less time for one another after baby comes. Casual date nights don’t happen nearly as often. There is simply less time to worry about one another, because there is someone much more vulnerable and needy that requires every ounce of thought power. This is a big adjustment. Even though men aren’t usually as open about it, they have feelings too and need attention. They have to adjust. Don’t get me started on how us women feel. Not only are we are whirlwind of emotions because our hormones are out to lunch, but we are also adjusting to having less attention from our closest and most intimate person.

Worry. While we thought we knew what worry was before baby, we quickly learn what worry truly means, especially as a first time mommy of a teeny tiny person. Are they breathing? Are they eating enough? Why are they crying so much? Why don’t they sleep? How am I going to rock this baby to sleep at 2 AM without falling asleep myself because I’M SO TIRED. It’s a natural thing that happens and a frustratingly beautiful part of the process, but it’s still exhausting and brings energy levels down. Sometimes, depression can kick in. First and foremost, this is not good for mom or baby but it also inevitably impacts the relationship because everyone is all of a sudden on edge. Here nor there, it happens.

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Beautiful little Kaydence. Photo taken by her mama and photographer Brit Alexander Croker of BPeaceful Photography in Ramona, Ca.

As a new mom, time gets away from us. For one, the schedule is out of control. For two, market trips are nearly impossible. We end up drinking a glass of non-dairy vanilla creamer because its sort of milk, kind of related to coffee, and all we can find. Seriously, we are a little wacky and our own needs are on the back burner for sure. Maybe we had a set eating schedule before which composed of a salad and lean meat at 6 PM, but now we are good with a fatty burrito at 11 PM because we realize we are starving and it’s accessible. This takes a toll, but it happens to the best of us.

While the above is true for some, it really isn’t the discussion point of this post. However, it is good supporting information. What I really want to talk about is the thing we really try and avoid thinking about when we are pushing nine months pregnant, unable to shave our legs, care more about carbs than anything else in life, and feel like a human blimp. Sex. After. Baby. Oh Crap.

For those of you reading this, probably only women by this time in the post, you might know the horrors of what takes place during pregnancy. You may go in to the thing with a nice waistline, a perky butt and a great pair of jeans that you fit into well. Coming out can be a whole new ball game. Yoga pants, Starbucks drivethru’s and comfort bras here we come. Yea. Not pretty. But serious, it’s fine because we are creating a human inside of us. It’s difficult to feel sexy at this point. The best thing we can do is continuing having sex throughout the pregnancy so that we don’t totally lose our grip. We all know the inevitable “break after labor” is a strain. On dad. On us. It’s an interesting time. Even more interesting is when we are clear to get back on the wagon, so to speak. Another challenge. Just around this time is when we take a good long naked look in the mirror and go, “W.T.F.?” Even if we have been kicking booty by doing “mommy and me Pilates” and eating a strict diet, things are not the same as they were before. As we know, we women are not only very hard on ourselves by nature, but sex is a very much a mental thing. If we don’t feel our best, and can’t psych ourselves out, sex is a no go. SO, how to recover and get into it?

Realizing things aren’t the same as before is numeral uno. We can get real close to what we were, but it takes hard work. Also, physiologically we are just different. If we expect things to be the exactly same, mentally, we will suffer. Sometimes when we allow ourselves to be a different version of us, as long as we take pride, we can evolve into something even better than before.

Adaption. Now that our belly may be stretched out leaving some flabbier skin, perhaps we can benefit from wearing a shirt in the bedroom. If we are thinking only about our changed body, we won’t be able to mentally handle sex. If the lights should be dimmed at first, let it be dim. Whatever new things we need, know it’s ok. The alternative is not accepting, and risking a riff in our relationship. No fun.

Just do it. Practice makes perfect. Nothing is easy at first, but in time we get more comfortable. Add some humor in if you must; it will lighten the mood and allow for connection on at least one level!

Turn that negativity around. Energy is energy, whether good or bad. Learning how to channel it is key. Run, beat the hell out of a punching bag, yell into the pillow. However you get it out, go for it. Fuel your drive towards the strong person you have to be as a woman, a mother, and a lover. Before you know it, you will be on top of your game. Remember, if you think you are sexy, chances are he does too.

The unfortunate reality is that your relationship can take a toll when a new baby is born into the family. Being aware of it, and working to remain strong and healthy is possible, with some determination and hard work. Before you know it, things will be awesome. Change is growth. You will forget all about the sleepless sexless nights and then, you will probably have another baby.

XO

Jessie

P.S. Have you heard of Thrive Market? Delivery. Health food store online. YES! Check it out here.

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